


"Whoops"

by py_pippi_pixy



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 08:12:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18824698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/py_pippi_pixy/pseuds/py_pippi_pixy
Summary: So I read this fic and, being the lulzer that I am, immediately wanted to write that scenario without the characterization or emotion, because that's how I roll.  Probably you should just go read the linked one instead.  Also, thnx bammel  and entropy_comix , and plz do not take any info in this as a guideline for how to act if you shoot your coworker.  Concrit is always awesome.





	"Whoops"

"Oh my god!"   
  
Ianto was shouting from the end of the alleyway, dim in the evening light.  Jack tried to remind himself that he was in charge, and the commanding officer, and also Gwen was nearby and could back him up in a pinch.   
  
"You fucking shot me!"   
  
Ok, so Gwen might not help out.   
  
"It was an accident!" he said, running forward.  "You were right next to the Weevil!"   
  
"I was  _subduing_ the Weevil!" Ianto shouted, rolling his eyes.  "And now, instead of an unconscious, handcuffed alien, we've got a dead alien, a disturbance in a residential area, and, oh yes, a fucking gunshot wound!"  
  
"The Weevil's taken care of, at least," Jack said sheepishly, poking at its carcass with a booted toe.  At least he didn't have to deal with an injured Ianto  _and_  an injured Weevil.  
  
"Yes, Jack," Ianto spat, looking up from pressing his hands against his side.  " _At least_ the Weevil has been taken care of.  Why don't I just load it into the SUV for you?  I'll prep it for disposal after I've made everyone coffee.  Hopefully I won't inconvinience anyone by  _dropping dead_ of blood loss first."  
  
"I'm sorry," Jack said, peeling one of Ianto's hands up so he could see the wound.  The evening light was dim, but he could still see blood welling up.  "If it's any consolation, it looks like it barely hit you."  
  
"Yes, Jack, I'm hugely relieved that your aim went wide," Ianto said, slapping his hand away.  "Now I'll only need stitches instead of a new kidney."  
  
"It's not anywhere near your kidney," Jack groused.  "Look, I'll get Gwen and we'll take you to A&E."  
  
"Fine, but I'm not helping to load up the Weevil," Ianto said, swaying a little bit.  
  
"I wouldn't ask you to!" Jack said indignantly, guiding Ianto to lean against the wall.  "Gwen," he said over the comms, "can you get over here?  We've got the Weevil, but there was an...incident."  
  
" _What kind of incident?_ " she said.  
  
"Jack shot me," Ianto said into the comms, glaring at Jack.  
  
" _Jack, you WHAT?_ "  
  
"It was an accident!  Now can you just get over here?"  
  
" _I'm right around the corner; I'll be right there._ "  
  
True to her word, Gwen was jogging into the alley a minute later, a look of shock on her face as she took in the scene before her.  Jack was balancing the dead Weevil, half-in and half-out of the SUV trunk, and Ianto was propped against the wall, suit  _definitely_ a loss.  
  
"Finally, Gwen, now can you help me get this in here?" Jack said, grunting as he resettled his grip on the Weevil's legs.  
  
"Not right now, Jack!" she snapped, rushing over to Ianto.  "Can't you even help him into the car first?"  
  
"Thank you, Gwen," Ianto said, smiling at her.  "He hasn't been at all considerate tonight."  
  
"You get so bitchy sometimes," Jack said, glaring as Gwen propped Ianto up on her shoulder and led him over to the car.  
  
"Yes, I get  _bitchy_ when my boss shoots me, very sorry.  Maybe you should take it up with the union," Ianto said, getting one last good glare in over the edge of the door before Gwen bundled him the rest of the way into the passenger's seat.  Shutting the door, she trotted back around and grabbed the other Weevil leg.  
  
"You're not being very nice," she whispered.  
  
"I said I was sorry," Jack whispered back.  "I just want to get us out of here before I start with the flowers and bended knees, ok?  Now lift!"  
  
Together they got the body heaved into the trunk, although not without some distasteful fluids sloshing out.  The upholstery was going to be fairly disgusting between that and Ianto's blood.  
  
"I'm going to go tell the neighborhood there was a police incident," Gwen said, slamming the trunk door down.  Jack watched her reach up to grab the edge, shirt riding up a tiny bit and showing off a pale strip of stomach.  Old habits were hard to break, especially when you weren't trying especially hard.  
  
"No, we said that last time.  Use the one about the teenagers and fireworks," he said.  "Got your ID?"  
  
"Yup.  Want me to meet you at the hospital or the Hub?"  
  
"Don't worry about it.  We can call it a night; it's past dinner-time, go back home to Rhys, feed the poor man something."  
  
"Oi," Gwen said, swatting at his arm.  "Watch it, or I'll never have you over for dinner."  
  
"Promises, promises.  Call me if you need anything," Jack said, fishing the keys out of the third pocket he checked in.  
  
"Same for you; call later and let me know how Ianto's doing," Gwen said.  
  
"Will do," Jack said, and watched for a second as she took off down the alley for the closest house.   Well, that was that.  Time to get to A&E.  Clambering into the driver's side of the SUV, he looked over and took in Ianto.  He was pale and leaning against the door, eyes closed.  Jack's heart lurched in his chest for a moment.  He was reaching out a cautious hand to feel Ianto's neck for a pulse when one eye opened and narrowed at him.  
  
"Are we going to the hospital yet?" Ianto said, shifting a little more upright and wincing.  "My handkerchief's already ruined - I'd hate to see the car interior go the same way."  
  
"Yeah, we're going right now," Jack said, reeling his hand back in and starting the car.  "Have you figured out what you want embroidered on your stomach yet?"  
  
"Right now I'd settle for your initials as long as the bleeding stopped and some good pain medication was on tap."  
  
Jack coasted to a stop at an intersection and looked back over at Ianto.  He reached over to wipe a smudge off Ianto's cheekbone, and then left his hand there because he liked being allowed to touch.  
  
"I  _am_  sorry," he said.  "I guess I don't like being reminded about what can happen, especially after the months we've had."  
  
"It's ok, Jack.  It can't be easy in the field with two mortal employees - I understand that, although I  _do_  wish you were paying attention to the road, we've been able to turn for the past minute."  
  
"Right, sorry," Jack said, swinging into main traffic.  "We'll be there in about five minutes - have you thought of a good cover story yet?"  
  
"So far all I've got is 'my boss is a terrible shot.'  I'm in pain here - it might be your turn to do the heavy-lifting lying-wise."  
  
"Yeah," Jack said, one hand making its way off the steering wheel and onto Ianto's knee, squeezing firmly.  "I'll think of something, and then I'll think of a better way to apologize when I take you home."  
  
Ianto patted the hand on his knee absently, leaving good-natured smears of blood.  "Just for the record, I'm not much for flowers."


End file.
